PRECIOUS MEMORIES

PRECIOUS MEMORIES…….. I find that one of the hardest things to deal with as I grow older is regrets. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about regrets of when the kids were younger.  Why didn’t I let Steph take violin lessons and figure out where she could get them?  Why didn’t I stay and provide support to Erik when his friend died rather than going to that conference?  Why didn’t we teach our children more about managing money?  Why didn’t I expect Arden to help more?  Did our numerous foster children take away from the time and care for our other children?  Why did I spank Lisa when she wet the bed?  I know that I did the best with what I knew at the time and I would provide grace to others so why can’t I give it to myself and why am I still carrying all of these regrets?  In the light of day, those worries seem ridiculous and even a little funny but they were very real in the middle of the night.  My solution to those worries is to sing hymns of comfort to myself until I fall back asleep. A blessing for Lisa is that she seems to have little memory of the past so she has no regrets. I will show her pictures of her time in Noonan and Crosby and even before her stroke, she showed little recognition of her childhood. Twice, I’ve made her a book on Shutterfly that told of her childhood and she’s thrown the books away. She used to always say that Stanley was her hometown and since the stroke she seems to have little memory of either Van Hook or Stanley. Yesterday she asked about work so I reminded her of her stroke and that she can’t walk so she will probably never work again. Many days I am not sure if she knows who I am other than that nice lady who visits often. My wearing a mask and not wearing my glasses doesn’t help her to recognize me. We look at pictures and reminisce but she doesn’t seem to remember. Is this loss of memory from the dementia or the stroke? I guess it really doesn’t matter. Sometimes, I think that those memories are there but she just doesn’t have the words to ask about them or comment on them. My brother in law is fond of saying “It is what it is” and Lisa will often say “oh well”when I give her some news. The reality is the reason for the name of this blog: THERE’S NEVER BEEN A DAY LIKE THIS DAY TO ME THERE’S NEVER BEEN A DAY LIKE THIS DAY I SEE THERE’S NEVER BEEN A LIGHT THAT SHINES SO BRIGHT AS THIS DAY, THIS GLORIOUS DAY.