Changing Seasons March 30, 2021

Changing Seasons It’s nearly April 1st. Spring is here and Easter is on Sunday. As is typical for North Dakota, our weather is erratic. It was in the 70’s yesterday and today it won’t get out of the 30’s. When Lisa was living independently, she didn’t always dress appropriately for the season. Who does when the weather is so changeable? Years ago, she lived in an apartment where they put an alarm on her bed that would shake her bed if the tornado siren went off. This was done because she is hard of hearing and doesn’t wear her hearing aide at night. She hadn’t been interested or concerned about the weather before that but that made her pay attention and if she looked at the newspaper, she always wanted to check the weather. Later, I bought her a digital thermometer with pictures which gave a summary of the weather and showed a girl wearing the appropriate clothes for the temperature. Lisa didn’t like it and I’m not sure why but I would always find it unplugged and stuffed in a drawer someplace. She may have been offended because it was a picture of a girl and not a woman and Lisa was pretty sensitive to being treated as an adult and not a child or she just might not have liked the idea of anyone telling her what to do!! One of the reasons why she was moved out of her independent living apartment was because we found her bare footprints in the snow outside of her apartment. This morning, I went through her clothes that we keep at our house in Fargo and pulled out her spring and summer clothes to take to Eventide so they can label them. I will then pack up some of her winter gear. She used to be so warm blooded but as she’s gotten older, she is often cold so I don’t think she will wear shorts or tank tops like she used to. Anyway, I think the bright pinks, yellows and soft blues will remind her it is spring and brighten her day. Speaking of change, I am transitioning from Caring Bridge to a blog. I have had a blog for a long time but haven’t written in it for years. It’s been resurrected and I’ve copied and pasted the Caring Bridge posts to this blog. I haven’t gotten all of the pictures transferred and I couldn’t copy the comments. Needless to say, the transition is not seamless. The paragraphs and other formatting in the layout has not transferred perfectly and I either don’t have the technical knowledge or energy to figure it out so I apologize!! I do however love the name of the blog: This Day Is Here. When I first heard the song “There’s Never Been a Day Like This Day Before”, I was mesmerized. It had such a catchy tune and the message was spot on….enjoy this day as there will never be another like it. So here’s to change and new things and the promise of Spring!!

March 26, 2021 Life is Messy, Life is Good

Going forward…Life is Messy   Lisa has never liked anything that’s damaged, dirty, scuffed or not working.  In the past, she threw those things away. I remember that she threw away a vacuum cleaner and it probably just needed the bag changed.  She’s also thrown shoes away because the laces were frayed.  That wouldn’t have been so bad but they were $150 specially made orthotic shoes.  I have tried to teach her to ask for help or ask questions before throwing things  but because she doesn’t understand the cost of replacing things, she thinks it’s just easier to throw them.  If I see her picking at a string on a piece of clothing, I know I’d better cut it off or she will throw it.  I think that’s why she likes her hair short and neat.  If it’s getting scraggly, it irritates her.   She also rags on me constantly if my car is dirty!    She’s always been very observant, often the only one who noticed if I’d gotten a haircut or a new shirt. She just likes things orderly and neat and although she often had a messy room, she would notice if I moved something. There was a time that I spent the afternoon, painting an accent wall in her apartment and rearranging her furniture while she was napping. She couldn’t rest though and kept asking if I was done and wasn’t I going home? Anyway I had to run to the hardware store and get something and when I came back she was still in bed but had moved the furniture in the living room while I was gone! Oh, how I would love to have that feisty, opinionated person back.    I’m having a hard time understanding what she says. For several days I thought she was asking about pancakes and I finally figured out she was saying “packing”. I believe that  she recognizes that she’s not in her apartment and would like me to pack so she can go back. Every day I explain to her about her stroke and her inability to walk and that this is her new home now. She says “ok” and is content after that explanation.    In the midst of this pandemic, our daughter in law died of breast cancer, Arden’s mother died and this past week, Arden had surgery to remove his prostate. We’ve  known for two years that he had prostate cancer but it’s a slow growing cancer so most doctors recommend to wait and watch the numbers…PSA and biopsy results. Anyway, 6 weeks ago, he had a biopsy which revealed his cancer had advanced to an intermediate stage. There were lots of options….2 different kinds of radiation therapy and surgery….all of them with good success. Our son in law had prostate cancer and Arden has several relatives who’ve also been on this journey and chosen various options. We are so thankful that they’ve shared their stories with us.  Life is Messy but it is also good, despite the messes. Arden is slowly getting better each day. The doctor says the surgery was highly successful. He spent one night in the hospital and will stay in Fargo until after Easter. His biggest pain (besides me) is shoulder pain which can be a side effect of the gas they use during laparoscopic surgery. We are thankful for your concern and your thoughts and prayers.

March 21, 2021 Shenanigans

Lisa has a shirt that says something about St Patrick’s Day Shenanigans. I forgot to get her picture while she was wearing it! Anyway, I started to think about her shenanigans when she was living independently. As with most kids’ shenanigans, I am probably only aware of a small part of them. She lived independently in Minot and Devils Lake with minimal supervision and they taught her to call and ask for a Senior and Disability bus to come and pick her up and take her to work. I’m sure that’s where she also learned how to call a taxi.  I’ve said before that her writing and reading is her strength. Well math and numbers are her weakness. She just doesn’t get it. Although after we would visit her and maybe go out to eat and then drop her off at her apartment, she would ask “can I have a dollar?” And as the years progressed, she would ask for $10! Anyway, because of her difficulty with numbers, she has always needed help with shopping and paying her bills and she has not had access to her check book. Most places she has lived, they kept her checkbook and other valuables such as her identification cards in a lock box. Well either staff forgot to lock the lock box or she figured out how to get into it because on a Sunday afternoon, she called a taxi and paid the driver with a check and had them take her to Kmart so she could do a little shopping! She paid for her stuff with a check too. When they called to tell me about it, my first question was whether she overdrew her account? She had not so we simply put some things in place so it wouldn’t happen again.  Around this same time, she walked into her neighbors (another developmentally disabled individual) apartment and looked in his freezer and stole his fish sticks! He was mad and called the police. Her staff asked if they could call the police to have them talk to her about not stealing and I said that they sure could but that she had family members who were policemen so she probably wouldn’t fear them. Anyway, the police were called and they talked to her and also put her in the back of their car and took a drive around Minot. Can’t you just see her sitting in the back of the car, riding around Minot and waving at people like she’s in a parade. Oh, Lisa! 

March 14, 2021 Hair!

Since Lisa started getting gray several years ago, she has wanted her hair colored. Although she has worn her hair at different lengths over her lifetime, she has worn it very short for several years now. It’s been a relief that for the last year, she hasn’t cared that her hair is gray. For some odd reason, the staff at the nursing home initially combed her hair straight back but after talking to staff and putting sticky notes above her bed and in her bathroom, they are finally remembering to comb it forward.  On one of her first days of school in Noonan, she took the child scissors and stood over the garbage and cut her bangs. As I came to pick her up, the teacher was horrified that all of the other students rushed to tell me about the haircut before the teacher could. Lisa was mainstreamed into the regular first grade classroom and most of the other students were boys so maybe she was just trying to fit in! Mrs. Lukach was a wonderful teacher and we had a wonderful experience with our oldest child starting school. Then, when Lisa was about 11 and Kirsten was 3, one of them cut both of their bangs. Lisa got the blame for many years until Kirsten confessed to it. I didn’t think that Kirsten could handle scissors at that age.  Anyway, Lisa has always admired different hairstyles and colors so I agreed that she could get her hair colored purple and green a few years ago. Neither one of us realized what a long process it was and it infringed on the supper hour so she got impatient. She also didn’t understand the importance of the right shampoo to preserve the color so it didn’t last long but was sure fun while it lasted.  Isn’t it wonderful that boys can have long hair and girls can have very short hair?  There can be dreadlocks or different colors or styles to express unique personalities and it’s all good. It’s not like the 60’s where school officials sent boys home if their hair touched their collars or where boys were kicked out of their homes for too long hair. I love the different styles and so does Lisa. I often visit Lisa after I’ve been to water aerobics so I don’t usually curl my hair or put on makeup before I visit but one day I visited her on my way to a lunch date and she looked at me and said “you look nice”. It made my day! We can all be like Lisa and give compliments to make someone’s day! 

March 8, 2021 Communication

We all communicate in different ways….words, writing, body language, facial expressions or maybe by our silence.  In the past, Lisa’s strength has been her written communication. When her speech was difficult to understand, we could ask her to write it and could often tell what she wanted from her writing.  Even before her stroke, she was losing her ability to write and can barely write her name anymore. She does however continue to read even though I’m not sure of her comprehension.  I help her to open the cards and gifts that you send her because it’s hard to open things with one hand but she always grabs the card and reads it.  At every meal, they give her a menu card where she makes her choices and she loves to read what’s on the menu.   Arden has said that he thinks sometimes I know Lisa better than Lisa knows Lisa.    When she says “pop”, I know that she wants a Diet Coke.  She doesn’t say “may I have a Diet Coke?” Or “Can you get me a Diet Coke?”, she simply says pop or soda or coke and I know that’s what she wants.  Lately she has had some frustration and is having a hard time telling staff what she wants.  She indicates that she wants to lie down and 10 minutes later she wants to get up,  She wants her blanket on and then she wants her blanket off.  She’s not sleeping as much and she’s restless, possibly bored. She doesn’t know how to use a call light so she hollers for staff which can be upsetting to other residents.  It is hard for staff to understand what she wants and I am having trouble understanding her also.  Sometimes she says that she is having a hard day and cries.      Sometimes her words come out as a word salad………which refers to  random words or phrases linked together in an often unintelligible manner. Often, we are unable to understand the meaning or purpose of the phrase. She said “van” to me this last week after we had taken a van to her appointment and I asked her if she wanted to go for another van ride and she said yes.  Another time she said a phrase “different arrangements” that came out of nowhere and I had no clue what she wanted.  Many times she simply cannot find the right word to say.  Her cousin Ashley visited this weekend and although Lisa couldn’t say who she was, hours later when I visited her she said “How’s Ashley?”   Echolalia is another thing that she does.  It is the unsolicited echoing of what another person says.  For instance I will be talking about Kirsten and Joey’s dog, Bailey whom she loves and she will repeat “Bailey”.  So if staff ask her “are you upset?” And she repeats “I am upset” is she really or is she just repeating something that she heard? Especially because being upset is not  a term she’s used much in the past.  Today, she wanted to go outside so we did and she said “car” and I said I walked so my car wasn’t there. I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride and she said yes. I said she has to walk or at least stand before she can go in the car. So we visited the therapy department and they said I could encourage her to lift her weak leg as often as possible. We went back to her room and after she lifted her leg three times she looked at me with a grin and said “car”? When I said that I couldn’t get her into the car she said “father”. So communicating can be a big puzzle right now which is not unusual for people who’ve had a stroke or for people with dementia.  We are going to try a communication board which has pictures of common things so she can tell us if she is hungry or thirsty or lonely etc.  I am hopeful that this will work especially because we think she can still read. Communication is so important and we can’t read other peoples minds…we can only guess at what they are trying to say and ask more questions. 

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March 03, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎March‎ ‎03‎, ‎2021 A new month and spring-like weather is helping everyone’s mood. It’s time to break out the bikes. I took my first bike ride today and it was glorious. Our house is exactly a mile from Eventide and there’s a great walking and bike path that takes me almost to the door of Eventide. We never considered that Lisa couldn’t ride a bike. We taught all of our kids to ride on the grass so if they fell, they fell where it was soft. I don’t remember that it took her any longer than the other kids to get the hang of it. I also don’t remember using training wheels much. She LOVED riding her bike both around Noonan or in Crosby. I’m not sure how aware she was of traffic and we told her to stay off Main Street but who knows if she followed our rules! One time when we went to church on Sunday morning, someone said to me that it was nice to see Lisa at the wedding reception last night. I hadn’t gone to the wedding as it wasn’t someone that I knew well but it seems that Lisa was out riding bike and saw that there were cars at the church. In her mind I’m sure she thought that if there are people at the church, there is food! So she parked her bike and went in and stood in line for cake and punch. I’m sure she was dirty and sweaty from riding bike and she probably gave the bride and groom hugs too! It will be nice to get her outside on these nice days too. She’s doing well. We played a game of Go Fish and when I asked her whose birthday is in March she told me “Stephie”. They may try to get her to stand in therapy again this week. Please pray that she is willing to give it a try. I couldn’t find any pictures of her riding bike but I did find some of her at a Special Olympics track event. She doesn’t like heights so wanted to sit instead of stand on the podium. I’m glad there’s no pictures of me because I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Kirsten and I was running along the sidelines cheering her on! March 01, 2021 Lisa’s Father and other men in her life Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎March‎ ‎01‎, ‎2021 10 years ago, I was watching the show Parenthood where a young boy finds out he has Asperger's and asks his parents what it is. I am reminded of one time when Lisa asked us what Down Syndrome was. I was speechless but Arden said that Down Syndrome was kinda like being bald, you have to live with it but it really doesn't matter much!! I don’t know why but Lisa calls her Dad “Father” and not Dad. I think she likes to hear the word like she likes to hear the word cousin. He loves to tease her and she loves it too. Lisa loves to hang out with guys. We all remember the time she was showing us her apartment and she asked all of us to leave except for her brother in law, Jodi aka Joey! Over the last few weeks, she consistently asks about Jodi and her other brother in law, Brad rather than her sisters! When she first got to Eventide, they asked me if she was ok with male caregivers and I said that was no problem at all. In the last few years she has been hardest hit by male peers who have died. She got a haircut this morning. It sure is convenient that there’s a beauty shop right at Eventide. She got a little impatient as the cut was right before lunch and she was worried that she might miss her lunch. She is talking again about going “home” and I told her that she would have to work hard at exercising and walking before she could leave Eventide.

February 25, 2021 Life is Good Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 Lisa had a recheck with neurology today. They are pleased that her facial drooping is less and that her speech and understanding are coming back. She is to continue on the blood thinners of plavix and baby aspirin and no need for rescans or rechecks unless there are significant changes. She says she's fine and has no pain. She was very sleepy this morning so they suggested that her anti anxiety med she’s been on for years be given at night instead of the morning. The Eventide Van provided transportation which was wonderful. Essentia Hospital was very busy with many transport vans and other traffic. Because Eventide has had no Covid cases, 2 people may visit in her room starting on Monday. Arden came to Fargo so we are excited to go to see Casey play in the squirt international hockey tournament. Lisa has never cared much for hockey because she gets so cold. So thankful that it’s been warmer so it was easier to take Lisa out for her appointment. Brought soup over to Kirsten’s family this evening and hope to make it to Mayville tomorrow evening after hockey. This has been a week of getting to a new normal. The weather is nicer so I’ve been able to walk outside and because I’ve had my second vaccine, I started back to water aerobics. Life is different but it’s still good.

February 23, 2021 MOM, Are you boring? Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎23‎, ‎2021 Many years ago after a long day and probably a long week at work, Lisa looked at my exhausted face and said “Mom, are you boring?”Instead of saying bored she said boring and I said that yes, I was sure that I was boring!! Staff and I have worked and brainstormed for ideas so that Lisa does not get bored. Prior to her stroke, she would spend her days doing WordSearch, listening to music, doing laundry, re-arranging her room, watching wheel of fortune and the weather and visiting with her roommate. Her days were full for her and she never complained of boredom. Prior to Covid she worked and went to the workshop every day. I would take her to appointments which were usually followed by a trip to Dairy Queen. She also would come to our house or to Kirsten’s or Steph’s house for family gatherings. Every day I am grateful that I am allowed these compassionate visits. I usually stop in twice a day and am able to answer her questions, help her with her mail and we look at pictures and reminisce. She is sleeping a lot less now which is good. FOr the most part she seems content despite the fact that she is no longer able to do Word Search or concentrate on TV. She loves to wave at or “high five” staff as they pass by. I’m not sure if she would be able to pick out and play the cd’s of her choice or If she would know what buttons to push like she used to. I usually let her pick the CD and play it for her. She has enjoyed Bingo but the poor activities staff do mostly 1-1 things with people and can’t have many group activities because of Covid. They are trying their best. I am acutely aware of how much the other residents must miss regular visits from their family so today I brought my keyboard over and played some music for everyone in the dining room before supper. I don’t think Lisa was impressed because it wasn’t her kind of music but a couple of the other residents asked when I was coming back. As long as I am there anyway and when they can’t have visitors, I might as well do what I can to make their days less boring too. I hope you have hobbies and activities that you enjoy because I would sure hate to find out that you are boring too!!

  February 21, 2021. Caregivers Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎21‎, ‎2021 I have been taking care of my 2 geriatric grand dogs this weekend and loving it! There have been no accidents and they sleep well at night so it’s been great to have their company. Taking care of them led me to think of what a sacred calling caregiving is. In my 35 years in long term care, I never once felt like leaving the profession. I was right where I wanted to be. Caregivers are a special breed. For the most part, they are selfless and give until it hurts. They come in on their days off, they dress up to bring some fun to the residents. They bring their kids and pets in to visit when they can. They skip lunch or coffee breaks. They help out their coworkers. I’m so happy to see signs and banners recognizing and applauding caregivers this year. It’s been neat to see Arden as a Certified Nursing Assistant these last few years. His mother and the residents he takes for appointments love his conversation and caring. Thank you to him and all those who accepted that call. Back to my grand dogs....One is blind. One is deaf. One is white. One is black. One is little. One is huge. One has a quiet bark or growl. One does not! It doesn’t matter, I love them both. And I think that’s true for caregivers....they keep on keeping on because they love what they do and don’t care about size or color or noise! Lisa giggled when she saw what I was wearing today. She hasn’t really engaged with or watched TV this last month and she usually takes a long nap in the afternoon but I warned staff that if she should happen to notice the Bison game, they might hear her cheering loudly! Go Bison!

February 19, 2021 Beauty in Ordinary Things Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎19‎, ‎2021 Now more than ever, I so appreciate the ordinary things in my day

Frost on trees

Green lights all the way to the mall

A snoring dog on my lap

A return to water aerobics

Good roads and little traffic on a 5 hour drive

An interesting and thought provoking audiobook

The perfect decorative pillow for my bed

A nutritious meal

And for Lisa Singing karaoke with Mom

Diet Coke Reece’s Pieces Cards from friends and family

Staff who take the time to give me a high five

A Bison football game

A long nap

February 16, 2021 Cousins Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎16‎, ‎2021 Lisa often talks about her cousins. I think she is fascinated by the word. When I last visited her, I listed all of the cousins I thought I would see. One year before Christmas, she brought a present that she had labeled for her “cousin”. I told her she had a lot of cousins so she would have to decide which cousin the present was for and she finally decided on Carla. Another time when staff were helping her grocery shop, she bought a pumpkin pie to take to Grandmas. She was SO proud to contribute to the meal. She would run around the yard hunting for Easter eggs with her Eide cousins or run around the farm with her Anderson cousins. I’ve included a picture of the cousins who were at their Grandmas funeral....only 3 were missing and a picture from a Christmasin the 1980’s. Another picture is of a newsletter I wrote to staff about Lisa. Both Arden and I had a lot of cousins when we were growing up and have a lot of precious memories with them. Cousins are forever friends whose hearts are bound together by the love of a family. They stay together, play together, dream together, scheme together. They know the same family secrets and tell the best family jokes. Sometimes they even share the same name, the same smile, the same freckles, the same laugh. Cousins love to get together at holiday time or anytime....for when grownups are busy ‘catching up’ cousins are busy ‘building up’ a store of memories —sure to last a LIFETIME! (Stolen off google with no author named)

  February 15, 2021. WORDS MATTER Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎15‎, ‎2021 As we prepare for Lisa’s Grandma’s celebration of life, we’ve been looking through pictures and other things. Several years ago, we got a cell phone for Marian and Arnold when he was going through cancer treatments. Arden taught them how to use it and said he would like them to call him after his cancer treatment was finished and before they started their 90 mile trip home. Up until a couple of weeks before her death, Marian would still call Arden on the cell phone. One of the things she insisted on doing was sending him some money each month to pay for the cell phone. It was great when she started to include little notes in the envelope with the money for the cell phone. Now neither Arden’s parents nor my parents were particularly demonstrative with hugs or by saying that they loved us. They showed their love by providing food and clothing and shelter for us and by going to their jobs so they could provide for us. They arranged for fun picnics and outings, ponies and bikes and pets and time with cousins. They just didn’t hug or say I love you much. That is why it is so cool that Arden’s mother started writing these notes. Lisa has been a prolific writer. Her strength was in her writing. I would often tell staff that when they couldn’t understand what she was saying, they should ask her to write it and she did! I’m including a special note she sent to me after Valentine’s Day many years ago. I know many of you who are reading this have been the recipient of her notes. Even before her stroke, her writing was becoming less and less. I miss those notes and will forever cherish the ones I saved. A couple of years ago, I had a greeting on a card from our parents inscribed on key chains for my siblings and I. Those words are precious and lasting! In this day of twitter and texts, people don’t often realize how their words are saved forever and can be used for or against them in the future. I hope our written and spoken words are encouraging and kind for others. We can learn from Lisa.

February 13, 2021 Compassion and Understanding Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎13‎, ‎2021 Lisa is a very compassionate person. Because her developmental age is about age 4 or 5, her thoughts are often self centered but she has a keen sense of others moods and emotions. As I’ve visited her these last few days so that I could provide comfort to her in her loss, we’ve reminisced about Grandma and she’s seen my tears and she’s ended up comforting me! A hard thing for Lisa to understand is divorce. Most of the time, when there is a divorce, the in-law (or outlaw) is no longer a part of the family and not at family functions and she asks about them over and over again! Most of the time, there is resentment of that person over the perceived wrongs that they have done to hurt the beloved family member so I try to hush her up. Sometimes people not understanding her speech is a good thing! I think part of the reason that Lisa has trouble understanding it is because she doesn’t hold a grudge and she has a hard time seeing the bad in others. Anyway, I have solved this dilemma by telling her ahead of time that there’s been a divorce and asking and reminding her not to ask about that person. That solution has worked pretty well. I explained to her that I would say “hi” to all the cousins and aunts and uncles at the funeral and that we would surely take her along if she were not sick. I told her that everyone would miss her. I won’t be able to visit her for a few days so I won’t provide an update. She is pretty stable. She still sleeps a lot. I am so grateful for the good care she’s receiving. Thank you again for all of the Valentines and all of the condolences. When life slows down, I will try to catch up on thank yous. It’s weird that my mother died 11 years ago at this same time. Lisa wrote a poem about my mother that I will post with the pictures. One of the pictures was about 1981 at Grandma and Grandpa Eide’s on Christmas Eve. Lisa is in the striped sweater on the left. There are a lot of precious memories of times with the Eide cousins at Grandma and Grandpas.

February 11, 2021 Love is all you need! Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎11‎, ‎2021 We have a friend who cared for his wife through the long journey of dementia. His posts before and after she died have always ended with “Love is all you need”. It’s so simple and SO true. As you might guess, Lisa’s favorite hymn is Jesus Loves Me this I Know! Also so simple but SO true! We tend to complicate things and I love Lisa’s example to keep things simple. Arden got his first chance to see Lisa since she was admitted to Eventide and he was happy to hear that her voice is stronger and her vision is better and she waved off his teasing as she always does. It’s been a blessing to have Erik here this week too. We’re just enjoying the simple things such as having pizza with the kids and doing our taxes......wait, wait that is NOT enjoyable as we couldn’t find a key piece that we needed!! Anyway, back to love...this year, we will reach our 50th Anniversary and this guy, this guy who cares for and about others much more than he cares about his own wants and needs, who has always taken care of his family and friends and neighbors, this guy has truly shown how amazing he is. He has visited his mother nearly every day, arranged for Visiting Angels so she could stay at home as long as possible and sat by her bedside for hours at a time. He has used his CNA training more than he would like to but done it without complaint and I am thankful that I am married to him. His mother died last night at the Tioga Medical Center so we are grateful for time with family. We told Lisa of her Grandma’s death this morning and she said “how’s heaven?”. I told her that I thought heaven has wine coolers and Diet Coke and country music and dancing all day long and that Grandma is no longer in pain or forgetful or old. I said that heaven is amazing and Lisa just smiled. Love is all we need!

  February 9, 2021 Hugs Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎09‎, ‎2021 Lisa gives and gets the best hugs. During this time of Covid it’s been hard to restrain her from giving hugs. I popped in to visit her this morning as she was finishing her oatmeal. She said that she slept well and she gave me a giant hug when I left. It felt SO good. The Surprising Health Benefits of a Simple Hug Why you need to hug someone todayHugging does more than just make you feel good in the moment. Research shows that hugging may also help reduce stress and lower your risk of anxiety, depression and illness. Hugs may even help you heal. Need a reason to hug someone today? Consider what a simple hug can do: •Helps you feel connected. Hugging helps connect you to others and can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. A lack of social connection has been linked to lower survival rates in people with coronary artery disease. Other psychological factors that may be positively impacted by hugging, such as stress, anxiety and depression, may also be risk factors for heart disease. •Can lower stress. Being hugged can reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Stress can wreak havoc on your health, especially over the long-term. Uncontrolled stress can contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity. It can also compromise your immune system. Finding ways to reduce stress will benefit your health. •May help you avoid getting sick. Stress can increase your risk of getting a cold, and by reducing stress, hugging makes it less likely you’ll get sick. A study at Carnegie Mellon University found that people who felt more social support and received more hugs were less likely to get a cold, and even if they did, their symptoms were less severe. •Triggers the release of oxytocin. Higher levels of oxytocin can cause stress hormones and heart rate to drop. A study done at the University of North Carolina found that premenopausal women who got more frequent hugs had higher levels of oxytocin and lower blood pressure than participants who didn’t get as many hugs. •Releases tension in the body. When you hug someone, it relaxes muscles, increases circulation and releases endorphins in your body. This can reduce tension and may even help soothe aches and pains. •Elevates your mood. Hugging can also increase levels of dopamine and serotonin, which can boost your mood and relieve symptoms of depression. (Pihhealth.org)

February 8, 2021. Moving Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎08‎, ‎2021 Lisa moved out of her Medicare rehab room today. Staff made light work of the move and it happened quickly. Her new room is very similar to her old one but it has a much better view. It looks directly across at Scheels arena so anyone driving on 32nd Avenue can honk or wave at her! I will put a big red heart in her window! It was interesting to visit with the maintenance person who said he didn’t get much notice of the move and was busy programming the TV and patching a nail hole in the wall from the previous occupant. He apologized for being rushed, I told him that he and others like him are my heroes and that a good maintenance person is worth their weight in gold. I told him that I know that these room moves are often like dominoes...one move triggers another and another. So grateful for staff who try to find compatible living arrangements for all of the residents and then for all of those that make the moves happen. There’s a lot of behind the scenes work that goes into these moves. A fun and funny fact about Lisa is that she loves to move!! As I would drive her to appointments, she would point out different apartment buildings thinking she might like to move! She also loves to re-arrange her room and would often do it weekly!! Her bed in her last apartment was not heavy so she could try it out in different places. She didn’t like to ask for help and her room wasn’t very big and you never knew how she would rearrange her furniture. Since the focus in the rehab unit was therapy, they didn’t have as many activities so there will be more for her to do and more people to see and visit with in her new room. It will take a few days for her to get to know the new staff and for them to get to know her but overall, this was a good move.

  February 7, 2021. Emotions Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎07‎, ‎2021 After a stroke, survivors often experience emotional and behavioral changes. The reason is simple. Stroke impacts the brain, and the brain controls our behavior and emotions. You or your loved one may experience feelings of irritability, forgetfulness, carelessness or confusion. (Stroke.org) This morning when I stopped in to see Lisa, she was crying. Crying is very unusual for her. In the 45+ years that I’ve known her, her chief emotion is joy and happiness. Maybe once a year, I would see her cry and that was usually when she wasn’t feeling well. She would occasionally show anger when she thought someone stole her socks or if someone was teasing her about taking her food or if she didn’t get her way. Occasionally she would show remorse and say that she was sorry but generally she has been a very happy and content person. She had friends and play dates when she was younger but she really preferred to be alone....listening to music, playing in her play store, writing or riding her bike. So it is upsetting to her (and us) when she is sad. After I explained to her about her stroke again and told her that we love and support her no matter what and took her to her room where I held her hand, she quieted down and said “I’m sorry”. I told her that she had nothing to be sorry about and that we loved her so much and are so proud of her and that everything is ok. I told her she would probably feel better after lunch and a nap and she did. She helped to pick out her outfit to wear while she watched the Super Bowl and staff said they would change her clothes after her nap. Staff also think that she may be bored and I agree. She can’t ride around and explore the Center in the wheelchair and because of Covid there are no group activities like music or church or bingo. She can’t concentrate on TV or her WordSearch like she used to either. One day at a time as we navigate the ups and downs. Thanks again for your prayers and support.

February 6, 2021 Sports loving family Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎06‎, ‎2021 I thought I would show you some fun pictures of Lisa. We have many precious memories of fun times with Lisa and look forward to making more of them. We especially enjoy watching sports on TV...it is truly an experience to watch Lisa screaming while watching football! She’s not a big fan of hockey because she doesn’t enjoy the cold but has enjoyed fishing. She would much rather attend a country music concert or sporting event than get dressed up but I did sneak in a picture of her going to the prom with her Dad. I was at hockey games today but popped in to see her a couple of times....she’s adjusting to her new normal and seems content. Stay safe, stay warm and enjoy the Super Bowl!

February 5, 2021 Therapy Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎05‎, ‎2021 It’s hard (if not impossible) to motivate someone else. When Lisa had her knees replaced, we faced the challenge of her accepting therapy to increase her strength and range of motion in her knees. Lisa lives in the moment. She has a hard time thinking about the future and can’t see the value in working now for a benefit in the future. She especially can’t understand why she should endure pain or discomfort for any reason. I tried to talk to her today about working hard so that she can learn to walk again. I talked about how fun it would be to go to a barbecue at Kirsten’s or how fun it would be to go to Steph’s farm at Mayville. The easiest way to do that is if we can pivot transfer her into our vehicles but she doesn’t understand that. Of course we could hire a van transport to take her to Kirstens but if she has to go to the bathroom we would have to go back to Eventide. She currently needs 2 people and a mechanical lift to take her to the bathroom. So my dream is that she would be motivated to work hard in therapy but the reality is that we may only be able to visit her at Eventide and she may never be able to go out. That’s hard to accept when she has been such a fun and vital part of family gatherings. They do have lovely outside courtyards at Eventide where we can gather in the summer but it’s just not the same. Of course in her current state of exhaustion, it’s hard for her to have enthusiasm for anything so we will just continue to enjoy the moments when she is awake and engaged. Erik is here from Colorado for 10 days so that will be fun for her (and him). I am so glad that she doesn’t have to go out in this frigid weather. She continues to enjoy all of your cards and gifts. Thank you again….I’m not sure if I will get pm’s sent to everyone who has sent a card or gift but I’m trying. The staff say that they don’t know of anyone who has received as many cards and gifts as she has.

February 4, 2021. ROUTINES Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎04‎, ‎2021 Lisa loves routine. Most people who know those with Down Syndrome, know that is true. I deliberately tried to shake up Lisa’s routine when she was younger so that she wouldn’t get stuck in a rut. I remember one time I announced that it was supper and Lisa wanted to put on her shoes before she came to supper and I said that she could just come and eat in her stocking feet. She was not happy with me! She also was used to ALWAYS taking a shower each morning and the only way she would be willing to change that routine was to know about it way ahead of time. If she had an early morning appointment, I would tell her the evening before to take a bath or shower as we wouldn’t have time in the morning. Then she would be fine with the change in routine. She’s always been particular about her meal times and does not think it is funny to tease her about food. One time we were at a lunch after a funeral and the priest came over with a big smile to visit with her as she walked to her place with her plate. She was not happy as she thought that the priest was going to try to steal her plate as her Uncle George would often do!! Anyway, our meal times are often irregular at the lake because we might be out on the pontoon or playing on the beach so I just need to tell her ahead of time that our evening meal would be at 8 and not 6 but she could sure have a snack to tide her over if she needed it. Also if we were driving to Minot and I realized that we wouldn’t get there right at noon, I had to warn her that our noon meal would be late. She would be fine but also would check her watch or the clock in the car frequently. I just needed to tell her ahead of time that her routine would be altered. That was life with Lisa before. She’s not as aware of time and routine after the stroke. Needless to say my routine is greatly altered since she’s been sick and also since COVID but I am gradually developing a new normal. Since retirement, I have hated being rushed. Seems like I spent so much of my earlier years with deadlines and appointments and rushing, rushing from one thing to another. Retirement has been heaven and I’m so glad to have the time to leisurely get ready for the day and to plan my and Lisa’s appointments so we won’t be rushed. Anyway, today is the first day in about two weeks that I’ve remembered to take my vitamins and although I’ve prided myself on healthy eating 80% of the time, these last two weeks have been mostly ice cream or fast food…my exercise has also been sporadic. I got an Apple Watch in August and it shows that I get some kind of exercise 24-26 days each month and I love how it makes me feel. I also love listening to audiobooks while I walk or exercise. I am giving myself grace in the eating and exercising area but also crave the routine of it and how it makes me feel. Isn’t it funny how routine is both the boon and the bane of our lives? Love you all and thanks for the support and love and prayers!! She was awake and sassy this morning…getting ready for Valentines Day with a soft blanket from Jo and Mike Stefonowicz and a teddy bear from Kal and Tami Njos! Thank you!

February 3, 2021. Eat Dessert First! Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎03‎, ‎2021 Lisa had a good day. She loved having pancakes and sausage for breakfast. She pointed at shoes before going to PT as she wanted to wear them. She stood twice in parallel bars with help. She will however go off Medicare A next week because of her reluctance to participate most days and lack of progress. I asked if her arm was sore after her vaccine and she said no I'm fine. Smiling and definitely happy to see Steph and I. Had her first care conference too and we ended it because she pretty much told us to...shooing us out of her room! It was good to see that in her as she would often get bored and tired of all the talking at our Friendship meetings too. I stopped in with her Diet Coke before supper. It looked delicious! So grateful for the staff and the care she’s getting!

  February 2, 2021 Snow Days Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎02‎, ‎2021 We have had a mild winter so far. There’s a little more snow in Fargo than Van Hook but overall a decent winter. As I watched the weather hit the East coast of the US this week, I was reminded of a few weeks ago when I was driving Lisa to an appointment. I told her it was supposed to snow and be windy the next day and she squealed “Oh a snow day!” I laughed because she has had nothing but snow days since COVID hit and she’s loved it! She’s loved being in her pajamas and staying home. Although she’s gone to work sporadically, she’s mostly been home. She was content with her music or TV, Diet Coke and candy and WordSearch puzzles. Someone else shopped and cooked for her. Sounds like the perfect life to me! She was pretty sleepy this morning so it’s hard for therapy to work with her. She got her second COVID vaccine and then a long nap. She was wide awake this afternoon so we watched the weather and talked about the Super Bowl. Thanks again for all of the cards and gifts. They are heartwarming for Lisa and her family! Tomorrow we will have her care conference with the different disciplines.

February 1, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎February‎ ‎01‎, ‎2021 Just an ordinary day in our new normal Meals, therapy, naps, opening mail, Diet Coke, music and smiles....it’s all good!

  January 31, 2021 The power of touch Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎31‎, ‎2021 Since Lisa’s stroke, she has found great comfort in someone holding her left hand. During her days and nights in the hospital, we pulled the recliner close to her left side and held her hand. We are grateful that she is left handed so she can still feed herself and she can still wave or hold a pencil or hold our hands. It was so good to see her after being gone since Friday. She smiled and said “how are you?” We opened several letters and packages. She even ate a Reece’s peanut butter cup from her aunt Kay. She didn’t want music on or to sit in the commons area but wanted her TV on in her room and we watched a cooking show. She gets her second COVID vaccine this week so it will be good to worry less about her catching that virus. Arden and Erik have both had their second vaccines and I will get my second one soon too. It will be good for us and Lisa to be able to hug again! I remember the first time we took the kids to Disney World in 1984, we had just gotten there and were walking arm in arm down that wide street before the castle. It was a glorious warm day in January and we were SO surprised that it was not crowded. Because of the warm temperatures, I remember Lisa turning to us and saying “I just don’t feel like touching right now!” While Bill Gaither was accompanying Dr. Dale Oldham on his evangelistic crusades, the preacher said to him, "Bill, the word 'touch' is a very popular word. It comes up so often in the New Testament stories about Jesus touching people's eyes and healing them, or touching people's lives and changing them. It's a special, spiritual word and you ought to write a song that praises His touch." So he did. That week, Dr. Oldham's son Doug Oldham began singing it in the meetings. Doug was also the first to record the song (in 1964).[1] Not long after that, the Bill Gaither Trio recorded it. There’s comfort in the song “He Touched Me”.

  January 29, 2021 Feeling Down Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎29‎, ‎2021 She was sad and grumpy this morning which is unusual for her. After I was there for 2 hours trying to cheer her up, I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes. I asked if she wanted music on and she said no. She stood a little in PT but they said they couldn't get her to do it yesterday. I said the Divide County cheer during PT that starts with “let me see you get down”. She didn’t find it funny. It's ok to have a down day now and then. We love you no matter what mood you’re in Lisa! Sometimes a long nap helps. I’m out of town to watch grandson Casey play hockey so Lisa’s sister Steph will spend time with her tomorrow. Carol Hall wrote a poem called

  It's All Right to Cry - Free to Be You and Me [Performed by Rosey Grier on Sesame Street)

It's all right to cry

Crying gets the sad out of you

It's all right to cry

It might make you feel better

Raindrops from your eyes

Washing all the mad out of you

Raindrops from your eyes

It's gonna make you feel better

It's all right to feel things

Though the feelings may be strange

Feelings are such real things

And they change and change and change

Sad 'n' grumpy, down in the dumpy Snuggly, hugly, mean 'n' ugly

Sloppy, slappy, hoppy, happy

Change and change and change

It's all right to know

Feelings come and feelings go

It's all right to cry

It might make you feel better

January 28, 2021 What’s your name? Where you from? Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎28‎, ‎2021 I told my kids recently that I was offended by the Progressive insurance commercials on TV because they make fun of us Senior Citizens. The girls just laughed and said that they love the commercials because they are so true. Erik hadn’t seen the commercials so we pulled them up on YouTube and all laughed at them. Most of the commercials feature a guy teaching classes to Senior Citizens regarding phone etiquette and other technical issues. One of the commercials says “you don’t need to call the waitress by her name!” I disagree with that. Our daughter in law Donya always asked the wait staffs name. She did a fair amount of waitressing herself and felt it was a sign of respect to call the person by their name. I agree! Lisa has loved to know peoples names and I miss her asking “what’s your name?” And “where are you from?” One time she asked a doctors name and then when she got home she wrote him a thank you note thanking him for fixing her foot! Tomorrow I’m going to write some helpful hints for staff and one of the things I’m going to ask them to do is to tell her their names. As she settles into a routine and gets familiar with people it’s good for her to know their names even if she can’t say them. Today was a sleepy day for her. When the occupational therapist went in to help her get dressed, she gave her a couple of shirt choices and Lisa grabbed the Broncos shirt and hung on. She was also wearing Bison socks! She had on shoes for the first time in a week. The speech therapist upgraded her diet to mechanical soft and honey thick liquids instead of pudding thickness. She has had no further choking. This afternoon, she had her thickened Diet Coke and listened to music and opened several packages and cards that she got. Of course I cried while reading them. I am overwhelmed by everyone’s thoughtfulness. Wow! The Message Bible says in Isaiah 43:1 “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. ...”

January 27, 2021 STUFF Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎27‎, ‎2021 Lisa has always worried about her “stuff”. Lisa and her latest roommate truly love each other and loved spending time together. Their only conflict seemed to be over their stuff! It all started when they both happened to have an identical pair of socks.....not just any pair of socks but Easter socks with cute bunnies on them! When Lisa saw her roommate wearing them, she was not happy. That along with Lisa’s memory loss caused her to often accuse her roommate of taking her “stuff". When we traveled to Van Hook, she would constantly check the back seat to make sure we had her “stuff”. Anyway, I didn’t get to Eventide until 11 today and she was pretty sleepy. PT said she had worked hard and was able to stand for short periods in the parallel bars. I knew she would have lunch and then have a nice nap so I didn’t stay long. Instead, I went home to sort through all of the “stuff” we had moved out of her apartment last weekend. Uffda! Most of her stuff was clothes. she loved to shop and was fun to shop for...liking different clothes for each holiday, clothes for different sports teams she likes (Vikings, Broncos, Bison and the Twins) and cute things. She especially liked her clothes to match and she loves cute socks. Anyway, I like to shop too so definitely spoiled her with clothes. It was time to downsize. As she’s gotten older, she’s rarely warm enough so I could eliminate a lot of summer stuff. She will no longer be going out to work or on outings like she did so I could eliminate a lot of winter gear. She’s loved cute shoes but unfortunately will have to wear sturdy serviceable shoes so I could eliminate the cute ones. Also because her right arm does not have any movement, her clothing has to be loose enough so she can be dressed more easily so I could eliminate some things there. I ended up with a black garbage full of clothes to donate, a big tote to take to her and a cubicle organizer full of non- winter clothing and extra socks and underwear to leave here. The rooms at Eventide are furnished with TV’s, recliners and built in dressers so all you need to bring is clothes and pictures and personal effects. I’m listening to a book called North of Normal where people lived simply and didn’t have much “stuff” and there’s certainly an appeal to that lifestyle. I went back to Eventide around 4 and she was wide awake. She enjoyed her thickened Diet Coke and listening to music. We FaceTimed with Arden and she pointed to the CD player and said Kirsten when Strawberry Wine played. it was great to see her animated and engaged! Thanks again for all the love and support! Take life day by day and be grateful for the little things.

January 26, 2021 Are You Having Fun? Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎26‎, ‎2021 After talking about favorite phrases of Lisa’s, I realized that what she most often says to me as we are driving to appointments or to Van Hook is “Are You Having Fun?” I think she started asking this when she sensed I was crabby or stressed about something. Frankly, if I ever said that I wasn’t having fun, I think she would have said “take me home”. Lisa is all about fun and today was a great , fun day and it ended with her laughing for the first time since the stroke. She burped at supper and I said “whoa, where did that come from?” And she laughed! I met and shared her story with her nurse practitioner and all three therapists. They agree that she should not be on hospice. They also agree that she has a lot of work ahead of her and that they will try to make the journey fun. She named her siblings and asked about a friend in Stanley. She stood briefly in the parallel bars and also pedaled on a bike. She was wearing her Kenny Rogers shirt so she tried to sing along to his music. She worked and played hard in the morning so had a nice nap this afternoon. She had thickened Diet Coke and loved it. Life is good and although this was not a journey we would choose, we had fun and at this point that’s all that counts!

  January 25, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 One of my first thoughts when I first heard that Lisa had a stroke was. “I just want to hear her say embarrassing one more time. Because of Lisa our vocabularies will forever be changed. Here are some of her favorite sayings: ”hang your horses” when she wants you to be more patient with her “that’d be good”.....she said that many times but I most remember that’s what she said when I told her Grandma Stella went to heaven. I remember she said “pig” to one of her siblings as they loaded up on cookies after school. That’s probably typical of what teenagers say to each other! She had her annual physical the week before her stroke and she told her doctor “I’m older than dirt!” She also had a dentist appointment the week before her stroke and as the hygienist escorted her back to the waiting room where I was, she insisted on peaking into the other rooms and asking the staff and other patients how their Christmas was? She is talking very little these days...she says “fine” when we ask her how she is. She said “how are you?” when I saw her today. About 4:30 she was crying and restless so staff called me and I went over. She calmed down and I asked her what she wanted and she said “eat”. Her meal came fairly soon after that. She’s able to feed herself with some assistance. Her right side is affected and she’s left handed so that’s good. While I was there, I had something scratching underneath my bra and since her door was closed and no one else was in her room, I lifted my shirt to see what the problem was. Her look definitely said embarrassing although she couldn’t quite get the word out. It’s hard for her to smile because of the right facial droop but she did smile! she was pretty sleepy today so it was hard for therapies to work with her. I hung up some pictures on her walls as well as a bulletin board and made a couple of small photo albums so we could look at them and name the people and animals in them. Erik flew back to Colorado and Arden went back to Van Hook but Casey plays hockey in Minot on Saturday so I’ll go to Van Hook on Friday. Steph said she’d visit Lisa on Saturday and Erik has already booked a flight to come back in February. All of the kids work from home so that makes it easier for them to hang out with us and Lisa. So thankful for all the support and love! One day at a time! You are welcome to share your favorite Lisa phrases or stories!

January 25, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 Lisa is at Eventide Fargo Room 135 3225 51st St S, Fargo, ND 58104 She loves mail January 25, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 She loved having her family visit through her window yesterday. She also got to zoom visit with her roommate and staff at Friendship. We watched a little football although if it’s not the Vikings or the Broncos or the Bison she’s not very interested. She’s been feeding herself. I’m sure she misses her beloved Diet Coke but she has to have thickened liquids so no Diet Coke for now. Looking forward to PT, OT and speech therapy this week and thankful every day that they allow these compassion visits. Will put up pictures to make her room homier too. Thank you for your love and support.

  January 23, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 Further update on Lisa: she seems to have her days and nights mixed up. When she’s awake at night she’s pretty restless but likes to hold our hands. I am grateful that they are allowing a compassionate visit once a day even though she’s not on hospice. We stayed with her 24/7 in the hospital but can’t do that here. As is common with stroke patients, she was a little weepy today. Because of her restlessness she is in high traffic areas when we’re not around. Her vision is affected also. She sat in the recliner and we listened to music and danced and are watching Sister Act now. I showed staff and Lisa pictures and videos of Lisa on my I-pad. They are good for staff and also Lisa to see. We made a short video for her siblings and Dad and I will share videos with others as she gets better. As is also typical this is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs but today was an up day so It makes me happy. This picture was taken at Christmas.

Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 Update on Lisa. She got moved to Eventide yesterday. No visitors unless she’s on hospice and she can’t have therapies while she’s on hospice so we’re going to try therapies and see how it goes. We know she’s a fighter and surrounded by love and prayers. Talking to staff at Eventide often and they are great. Also 4 out 5 of us have had our first vaccine while the 5th has had Covid so maybe that will help with visitation. Feeling hopeful! She brushed her teeth and combed her hair and was happy and cooperative.

January 21, 2021 Journal Entry by Valerie Eide — ‎January‎ ‎25‎, ‎2021 Update on Lisa....tentative plan to move her to a nursing home tomorrow. Pretty sleepy again today. Got her IV out so she was able to feed herself. Erik arrived today and he’s taking the night shift so I can sleep in my own bed. Steph and Kirsten taking shifts too! So blessed by all of your messages and the support of our friends and family. I wanted to share one of my favorite poems from a book called Bethy and the Mouse by Donald Bakely.

January 18, 2021 It’s been a rough 24 hours for our family as Lisa suffered a stroke yesterday. She is at Essentia hospital in Fargo with right sided weakness and confusion and some difficulty speaking and eating. They discovered that she has Moya Moya disease which is a chronic and progressive condition of the arteries in the brain. People with moyamoya disease have narrowing of these blood vessels that leads to blockages and can eventually cause ischemic stroke, hemorrhagic stroke, and seizures. Her carotid arteries are very narrow and there is danger of another stroke. She is not a good candidate for surgery. She will be going to a nursing home for rehab and may have to move there permanently. We are taking turns staying with her around the clock. We are sad but grateful for the wonderful care she’s receiving and for the staff at CHI Friendship who noticed the changes in her and acted quickly to get her to the ER. We are in awe of how much she has made us all better people and will celebrate each precious day we get to spend with her. Thank you for your prayers and I will try to keep you updated on how she’s doing. Today she was extremely tired and couldn’t wake up enough for PT, OT and speech to do proper evaluations.

April 16, 2009...Bright Ideas

I am new to this so obviously don't know what I am doing. I recently read a book called The Book of Bright Ideas by Sandra Kring. It was the story of a little girl who was searching for some closure following the death of her mother. She carried a notebook with her and wrote down bright ideas. She felt that if she finally reached 100 bright ideas, that she would find some closure. Through the years I have learned so much from people I've encountered. For instance, this week I found out that a friend of mine had a blog and I thought "if she can do it, so can I". So my first bright idea is "believe in yourself and don't be afraid to try new things."

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don't matter greatly This past week's furor over Susan Boyle in the Britain's Got Talent contest reminded me of how much we judge a book by it's cover and how wrong that is. My husband and my kids have helped me to be more tolerant. One exercise that I do is to sit in a mall and watch people go by and deliberately try to think positive thoughts about them instead of judging them negatively because of their appearance. Unfortunately, in the past, I have missed many opportunities for great encounters with people because I judged them first. I wonder how fame will change Susan Boyle? I wonder if her agent or others will try to shape her eyebrows, change her hairstyle etc and I wonder if she will let them do that to her. I hope not. I hope that people love her for her fantastic voice and perfect pitch and love her because of her spirit, her compassion for her mother and her persistence. All I can say is "you go, girl". Reminds me of a poem from a favorite book of mine called Bethy and the Mouse. It was written by the father of a girl with Down Syndrome and here is how he described his daughter and her friends. (from Bethy and the Mouse by Donald Blakely) As I drive across Kansas in the different moments of the year I'm thankful for the many ways beauty makes itself known and even more thankful somewhere somehow I was taught that beauty can be found in lots of likely and unlikely places. I love the sharp silhouette of a once live tree in those moments when the morning pushes its light out to prepare the way for the day. I find the desolation of eastern Utah moving, inspiring, breathtaking. The beige, cattle specked hills of Kansas always touch me with the warmth of their beauty. And yet, others have spoken to me in despair of the emptiness, the boring-ness of these same things. I think this happens also with Down's people. I remember seeing Down's kids before, and thinking the word "homely". But that was before you, Beth and you, Stacey and you, Jennifer and the rest of Beth's schoolmates who, since Beth, have infected my life. When I see those sweet gushing mouths, those almost left out noses, those eyes that are always getting ready to do something, and the rest of what you come with, then I am reminded that God, the ultimate artist, has a better sense of beauty than we have. And in you, God gave us a beauty that runs amok and that moves all up and down and in and around our senses. The special thing for those who have Down's kids, is that God gave us a beauty that can be hugged. And when it's hugged, it somehow becomes enlarged and special in its power to move. Beauty was meant to be sensed and yours is a beauty that touches me. So my Bright Idea for this week is to learn to appreciate those things that are usually not thought of as lovely (or lovable). There is beauty in everyone if you search for it.

What Love Is

When I was in college I read the sappy novel "Love Story" and cried over it. The infamous line in it that says "love means never having to say you're sorry" truly IS sappy. True love DOES indeed say that you are sorry for your wrongs and sometimes even when you are not wrong. If the other person loves you back, they will forgive you and forget the wrong that was done. Other thoughts on love: Love is: •being able to tell someone that their hair is sticking up, "just a little" in the back. •being able to tell someone that they need a breath mint or that their zipper is down •being able to discuss the hard things in a sane, quiet way without accusations and name calling •not belittling others but building them up •coming back to those hard conversations until they are resolved •learning to laugh when things get tense •believing the best, not the worst in others Andrew Carnegie wrote these wise words: "You develop people just like you mine gold, When you mine gold, you don't go into the mountain looking for dirt. You look for gold, no matter how small or how much dirt you have to push aside." We can all learn better how to mine gold in those we love and even in those whom we don't know so well. By the way, I told Arden some time ago that he could just get up every morning and say "I'm sorry". That should just about cover all of the mistakes he might make that day. LOL!!

My Siblings and I Moved our Parents...

My siblings and I moved our parents for the third time in ten years last weekend. In order for the process to be done in a weekend, we have to make pretty quick decisions about what to keep and what to throw or give away. When we moved them off the farm about ten years ago, we all took boxes home and our homes were filled. In addition, we have all of the stuff we've accumulate in our 50-60 years of life. In some cases we are also housing boxes of stuff from our kids who may not be settled yet!! UFFDA!! I am determined to at least make some sense of all the stuff and to organize it or to scrapbook it. We hope that we are building a new house in this next year and it's not going to be huge so I really want to keep only the best and most important stuff. I like the "minimalist" look because it is so clean. I love organization because it makes everything so efficient. But on the other hand, I love the memories created by seeing some of the stuff. I have an old chipped bowl that my mother always kept salt in. She would just reach in for a pinch and put it into whatever she was cooking or baking. How can I get rid of the patriotic beanie baby bear that was given to my father in law when he was battling cancer? How about the giant birthday card that Tyler made me from poster paper? So now you see the conflict. As in many things, the key is balance. I don't want to become a hoarder and not able to get rid of anything but I also do not want a sterile and impersonal environment. Kinda reminds me of the following song. Who's Gonna Know? Written by Jon Vesner and performed by Kathy Mattea on "Walking Away A Winner" On the top of my desk mid the clutter and dustsits an old 5x8 black and white It's one of my favorite pictures of us I'll carry with me all my life I must have been a-bout five or six Mom's hair was still brown and Dad's was still thick But to look at it now some-times I get scared To think that some-day they might not be there 'Cause who's gonna know but me Who'll help me recall those small mem-o-ries I'm all that's left of this family of three Who's gonna know but me? Down in the cellar under the steps Sits an old box of junk that I've saved Newspaper clippings, letters and cards Even some code-a-phone tapes Slices of life I can hold in my hand And show to my kids so they might under-stand In those years to come when they ask me some night What Grandma and Grandpa used to be like 'Cause who's gonna know but me Who'll help me recall those small mem-o-ries I'm all that's left of this family of three Who's gonna know but me? If life were a video I could rewind I'd go back and slow down each moment in time Then I'd disconnect the fast forward button So I'd have for-ever to tell 'em I love 'em The older I get, I can't get enough of 'em 'Cause who's gonna know but me Who'll help me recall all those mem-o-ries I'm all that's left of this family of three Who's gonna know but me? Who's gonna know but me?

Always Go to the Funeral

As an administrator of a nursing home for nearly 30 years, I feel it is important to attend the funerals of the residents in my care. I am representing the facility and the rest of the staff when I do this. In addition, I conduct regular memorial services in the center for staff and residents to attend because they can't always get to the funeral. This is a neat way to sing and cry and laugh and remember the residents who have died. The Good Samaritan Society also has bedside memorial services at the bedside of the resident when they die. It is a meaningful thing to do at the time of death and helps us to provide comfort to each other. Tomorrow, I will attend another funeral of a resident who died last week. I heard this piece on NPR radio and wanted to share it with you. ALWAYS GO TO THE FUNERAL by Deidre Sullivan on NPR Deirdre Sullivan grew up in Syracuse, N.Y., and traveled the world working odd jobs before attending law school at Northwestern University. She's now a freelance attorney living in Brooklyn. Sullivan says her father's greatest gift to her and her family was how he ushered them through the process of his death. August 8, 2005 I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that. The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family." So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes. That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral." Sounds simple -- when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that. "Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing. In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity. On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

Compassion Fatigue

I am tired. I think I am suffering from compassion fatigue. I became a parent in 1972 and through 1998 continued to have children or foster children at home. 1989-90 was the height of parenting when we had 5 teenagers plus a 12 year old in our home. 3 of the teen-agers were developmentally disabled. 2 of them were bedwetters so there was all of their bedding to be washed each night. Grocery shopping was a nightmare as I filled 2 grocery carts each week to say nothing of the dentist/doctor visits, IEP and other school meetings, parent-teacher conferences and meetings with social workers and working with the mother of the foster children!! Although, I was and am married, Arden did little or none of the caregiving. He didn’t wash clothes, or shop for groceries, or take children to appointments or go to school appointments or write reports or prepare meals. It wasn't his fault, I didn't ask him to help me as I thought it was my duty to do it all. He was a good financial provider and was inciteful in providing council to the kids. In addition to all of the kids and those responsibilities, I held a very demanding job that required compassion, decision making, conflict resolution and problem solving. WHEW!! No wonder after nearly 40 years, I am tired. Added to all of that is this difficult placement in an extremely rural area of high poverty with many, many struggles. The area is not going to change, but I think that I must make a change, sooner rather than later to save my sanity. I am showing many of the signs of compassion fatigue. I came across some notes from a workshop on "Surviving Compassion Fatigue". In the people business there are certain givens:1. You're going to feel overworked2. You're going to feel under-appreciated3. There are going to be communication glitches4. Burn out is a daily event so daily we must do something (selfish) daily to fill our tanks5. Don't let circumstances steal your joy--do not take offense What is compassion? Dacher Keltner, a psychologist who leads the Greater Good Science Center, defines compassion as “concern to enhance the welfare of another who suffers or is in need.” This is different from empathy, which is the “mirroring or understanding of another’s emotion.” So empathy is feeling; compassion is action. Why is compassion so universal, not just in individuals but through social networks and institutions? It was thought for a long time that compassion was the exception, selfishness the rule. After Charles Darwin made his case for evolution, many Europeans interpreted the survival of the fittest to mean that only the fittest should survive. Europeans even invented an ideology called Social Darwinism, the belief that alleged intellectual and behavioral differences between people with different skin pigmentations were rooted in biology, making some races fit to rule and some fit to serve. But that was all wrong right from the start, because Darwin’s theory of evolution suggested that the good in human beings was just as adaptive as the bad. In other words, we have compassion because compassion helps our species to survive. Compassionate acts, Darwin wrote in Descent of Man, “appear to be the simple result of the greater strength of the social and maternal instincts than that of any other instinct or motive; for they are performed too instantaneously for reflection, or for pleasure or pain to be felt at the time; though, if prevented by any cause, distress or even misery might be felt.” In other words, our evolved instinct to help other people is a reflex, like smiling back at someone who smiles at us or flinching at the sound of a gunshot. When we are prevented from acting on the compassionate instinct, it hurts; we feel miserable. The effect can be deadening. So we are literally wired for compassion; we experience compassion in both our minds and our bodies, and the experience makes minds and bodies healthier. This explains why the absence of compassion is so painful. But I believe that when we’re confronted with evil, we cannot respond in kind. I don’t believe in fighting fire with fire. Instead, I’d argue, we must aim to reestablish the connection between us as human beings; this is the definition of goodness. In the face of cruelty and stupidity, we have to respond with empathy and imagination. We have to leave the confines of our own minds, and travel that biological and social bridge of emotion, and try to help those who have hurt us, and try to imagine what drove them to hurt us. We must make their pains our own. Not for their benefit, but for the sake of our own potential. But human beings are not, as we know, robots, and there is a great deal of research suggesting that somatic empathy — that is, the involuntary, unconscious empathy we feel in our guts—is a major factor driving compassion fatigue, a state of mind in which we become less and less able to help others, for fear of being hurt ourselves. We’re talking about natural processes—namely, compassion and empathy —being put to use over and over again in highly repetitive, artificial situations. That kind of work will wear down even the strongest person, especially during times like these, when budgets are being cut and resources, including human resources, are being stretched to the limit, and distressed people are counting more than ever on infrastructures of care. It’s in historical moments like this one that compassion fatigue becomes a real threat, not just to professions like nursing but to our entire society. Charles Garfield is an advisor to Greater Good magazine, clinical professor of psychology at the UC School of Medicine, founder of the Shanti Project, one of the first HIV/AIDS community organizations in the world, and an expert on compassion and compassion fatigue. In his book Sometimes My Heart Goes Numb, Charlie describes the symptoms and consequences of compassion fatigue: depression, anxiety, hypochondria, combativeness, the sensation of being on fast-forward, an inability to concentrate. Caregivers, he writes, “describe greater and greater difficulty in processing their emotions. They are anxiety-ridden or distressed. Fellini-esque images intrude on their days and nights, painful memories flood their world outside the caregiving arena.” So what we can you do? First of all, take care of yourself. Use your weekends and your time off to do things you enjoy, eat healthy foods, read novels, go for long walks. If you’re struggling with darkness, look for light wherever you can find it. Show compassion for yourself—recognize suffering in yourself and act to alleviate the suffering. That’s different from self-pity, when we see suffering in ourselves and we don’t do anything about it. We just feel sorry for ourselves. With self-compassion, we don’t allow the suffering to define us. Instead, we are defined by our resistance to suffering. What is in italics was taken from http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergoodscience/?p=404

How to Live to 100 and Enjoy It

Over 40 years ago, I saw a poster of an old weather-worn cowboy with a caption that said “If I’d have known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself”!!! It is a reminder to think about what we can do now to prepare ourselves for old age. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” I think that is telling us that we can learn good habits and learn to make good choices when we are young and they will help us as we grow older. That may be hard to do in this instant gratification world. Will my lab work that is not due for another 6 months influence whether I have a cheeseburger and fries today or is it too far in the future to worry about? Is anyone really responsible for their cholesterol or heart disease or their diabetes or can we just blame it all on genetics and not take any personal responsibility for our health? In my 30+ years of experience in long term care, genetics does play a large part in people’s health AND taking care of yourself also plays a large part. If the genetics in your family is already not good, it is even MORE important to take care of yourself. There are other things we can do to enjoy good health as we age. The New Scientist magazine at http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19025541.500-how-to-live-to-100-and-enjoy-it.html?full=true&print=true has some tips on “How to live to 100…and enjoy it.” Here’s a summary of the article. Go for the burn: Many researchers believe that small doses of "stressors" such as poisons, radiation and heat can actually be good for you - so good that they can even reverse the ageing process. The big unanswered question is at what dose does an otherwise harmful agent become beneficial? Clearly, too much radiation or poison are bad for you. However, there may be a safe way to trick your body's repair mechanisms into overdrive. Smith-Sonneborn and others suspect that the life-extending effects of exercise are also down to hormesis. She proudly practices what she preaches with an exercise regime that she says stresses her body to just the right level to get the optimum response. "I'm 70 and I have the bone density of a 35-year-old," she says. Don't be a loner: Being sociable looks like one of the best ways to add years to your life. Relationships with family, friends, neighbors, even pets, will all do the trick, but the biggest longevity boost seems to come from marriage or an equivalent significant-other relationship. Consider relocation: A recent study of elderly residents from a poor area of St Louis, Missouri, found that factors such as low air quality and dirty streets tripled the likelihood of their suffering from disabilities in later life. Likewise, a survey by Scottish newspaper The Scotsman in January found that people living in the poorest suburbs of Glasgow had a life expectancy of just 54 - three decades shorter than people in wealthier areas. Tom Perls, who heads the New England Centenarian Study at Boston University, represents the other end of the spectrum. He believes that while longevity may seem to run in families, environment accounts for up to 70 per cent of this effect. "Just because it's familial doesn't mean it's all down to genes," he says, because family members often share many environmental factors. He points to a group of Seventh Day Adventists in California whose lifespan averages 88, a decade more than the US average. They are genetically quite diverse, but share a lifestyle that includes vegetarianism, no smoking, no drinking, and with strong emphasis on family and religion, all of which can contribute to longevity. There is general agreement, however, that your physical location is less important than the personal environment you create through your behavior. You could move to the Japanese island of Okinawa, the world's number one longevity hotspot, but a better bet might be to live life the Okinawa way. "We boil it all down to four factors: diet, exercise, psycho-spiritual and social," says Bradley Willcox, a researcher with the Okinawa Centenarian Study. Make a virtue out of a vice: One of the most informative studies of healthy ageing to date has been conducted at the convent of the School Sisters of Notre Dame in Mankato, Minnesota. The nuns there, around 1 in 10 of whom have reached their hundredth birthday, teach us that a healthy old age is often a virtuous one - which means no drinking or smoking, eating healthily and in moderation, and living quietly, harmoniously and spiritually. But clean living is not to everyone's taste. Besides, what is the point of living to 100 if you can't enjoy a few wicked indulgences? Assuming you will have some vices, the trick is to choose them wisely. The idea that one glass of wine a day is actually good for you is now ingrained in the popular consciousness. Another vice that you probably shouldn't fight too hard is sleep. Unless you can reset your body clock with lots of bright light and good discipline, fighting your natural lark or owl tendencies can be bad for your health. Your best bet if you are a chocolate lover is dark chocolate. Whatever your pleasure, the great news is that pleasure itself is good for you. Really good. Not only does it counteract stress, it also causes our cells to release a natural antibiotic called enkelytin. Whether it's chocolate, coffee, having a tipple or a flutter, a spot of sunbathing (with suncream), a romantic (or more carnal) encounter, or another form of sinful pleasure, think of it as self-medication. Just make sure that if you have a vice, you enjoy it. Exercise the little gray cells: Study after study has shown that intelligence, good education, literacy and high-status jobs all seem to protect people from the mental ravages of old age and provide some resistance to the symptoms, if not the brain shrinkage, of dementia. Brain researchers and doctors are starting to refer to it as brain or cognitive reserve. Mental gymnastics are definitely on the agenda - everything from reading to learning new things to interacting with people rather than being a couch potato. But don't stop with mental exercises. At least one study has shown that older mice produced new brain cells faster and learned quicker than sedentary creatures when they were put on an exercise program. All this helps explain the remarkable mental health of those centenarian nuns, who fill their advancing years with both physical and mental activity, from gardening and crosswords to reading, walking, conversation and knitting. Smile!: Centenarians have surprisingly little in common, but one thing most do share is their love of a laugh. People born with a sunny disposition cope better with stress, which increases their chances of reaching a ripe old age. The study of nuns in Minnesota reveals that those who had the most positive outlook on life during adolescence and young adulthood are also the healthiest in old age. Some people are born laid-back, but even if you are a natural stress bunny, there are things you can do to reduce your cortisol levels. "These include t'ai chi, exercise, having faith, meditation and yoga," laughing and smiling also reduce cortisol levels. A happier life is likely to be a longer one - and that's surely something to smile about. Nurture your inner hypochondriac: One obvious piece of advice for anyone wishing to become a healthy centenarian is this: if you're sick, go see a doctor. Watch what you eat: Metabolilc stability is the key to ageing. Eat up to at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables daily. Eat foods high in antioxidants. There is strong evidence supporting the assertion that fresh fruit and vegetables, especially greens, keeps the brain sharp. A healthy diet is extremely important factor in longevity and eating high calorie, fat-laden foods is on e of the surest ways to an early grave. Get a life: What you need is a bit of excitement along the way. Take some risks. Not only will new experiences bring you pleasure, you may also find they have added benefits. There is also plenty of evidence to indicate that the kind of buzz you get from traveling, learning a new language, completing a sudoku puzzle or creating your own artistic masterpiece helps delay the onset of neurodegenerative diseases, including Alzheimer's. Admittedly, some of the most thrilling - think mountaineering, cave diving or base jumping - are not entirely compatible with longevity, but maybe you can justify the risk by making a trade-off. If you smoke, quit now. Or cut down on some other major life-shortening habit such as binge drinking, reckless driving or cheeseburgers. Alternatively, if you want a thrill but cannot justify the risk, go for safer kicks such as fairground rides, amateur dramatics, a new lover or bungee jumping.

My Mother

Yesterday, was my mother's funeral. She was not perfect although we've practically canonized her this week. She was a remarkable woman and survived unbelievable hardships especially in her childhood. She was an extremely hard worker and had trouble adjusting to not working. She was a VERY generous woman--selfless really--there was no part of her that would understand the "me " generation. She was sweet and funny. I miss her so much. I share her love of quilting and music and reading and poetry. As a child, I often saw the "drill sargeant" side of her. Now that I am a mother and grandmother, I understand that military mode especially when there are so many tasks to be accomplished. I am amazed at everything she did and how she loved especially when she lost her own mother at such a young age so how did she learn how to be this wonderful mother and grandmother? It's going to be hard to go back to work and back to reality when I would rather curl up in bed for another week or so. I am so proud of my daughter Stephanie (who was named after Grandma Stella). She gave a moving eulogy. Mom--there'll never be another you.

Dad;s death just 20 months after Mom's...This was the eulogy I gave at his funeral

My granddaughter Olivia has started to sing little songs and do different things and she often tells her parents “My grandma taught me that”. I think last week she wiped her nose on her sleeve and said “My grandma taught me that!” Dad had a pretty public life but here are some things that my Dad taught me that you may not know about: 1. He liked to go shopping—especially for shoes, would often shop in catalogues. 2. Loved kids, watching them and teasing them 3. Lived his Christianity, didn't preach it 4. Loved his career of farming 5. Loved nature 6. Loved to travel 7. Loved his heritage—Proud to be a Dane 8. Hard worker—sometimes I’ve cursed the good work ethic that he taught us 9. Took pride in his appearance (Pastor called him “dapper”) 10. Proud of his family 11. Not afraid to show emotion 12. Enjoyed a good argument but wasn’t mean 13. Loved to play cards—awesome Whist player, remembered who played what 14. Loved to read 15. Sports, baseball, golf, tried water skiing at 70 16. Loved music 17. Loved to dance 18. Liked to play 19. Gambling—loved to go to the casino and was incredibly lucky 20. Loved animals, especially black labs 21. Respectful and listened to opposing opinions 22. Was generous 23. Cared deeply about those less fortunate 24. Stayed politically active his whole life 25. Had passion for his causes even when criticized 26. Gave of his time even when it wasn't convenient 27. Believed in the value of education 28. Good mechanic and carpenter without training 29. Smart..skipped several grades in school 30. Story teller and we will miss his stories so much 31. Good neighbor 32. Lifelong learner.. got the Mayo newsletter, read about dementia so he knew what to do when mom got restless, read about diabetes and hearing loss 33. Believed in Cooperatives and educated us in their importance. Curt farms, Alyce married to Farmers Union insurance agent, Val married to Co-op elevator manager, Bruce works at Co-op credit union, Kay married to a farmer, Tilford worked at a Co-op tire store 34. Loved Mom’s cooking and nothing else ever was quite like hers. We didn’t have much pineapple, raisins or green beans in our house but had plenty of Maple Nut Ice Cream and fried potatoes with grape jelly 35. Waited awhile to get married (age 29) and found the love of his life. He either gave her a fancy mirror and brush set for Christmas or a very feminine watch. Often bought her little gifts or wrote her sweet notes. How many of us remember if the house we grew up in had dust on the shelves or under the beds or matching silverware on the table. What I remember is that my mother and father had a passion for books and reading and that they told us when we were young that they were saving money for college. I also remember the celebrations we had as each child reached a milestone in their education. I remember the heated discussions at the supper table and it was only when I was older that I realized that Dad was upset because of some social injustice and he wondered why other people didn’t take as passionate an interest in these injustices as he did. I remember them taking time out of their busy schedules to serve on community boards or teach a class. They allowed us to use our imaginations whether it was I turning the kitchen into a grocery store or the garage into a race track with our various roller skates, bikes and doll buggies. I remember my father teaching me how to waltz at a father daughter event in high school. I remember parents who took us to church every Sunday. They taught us the value of hard work but also the value of recreation when they took us to the Seattle World’s Fair, state fairs or the Farmers Union card party. They told us we were important whether they took time to wash and iron the curtains in our play house or to saddle a pony. Our house was very much like many other houses. What made it unique was Alvin and Stella, who inhabited it for over 60 years. T was there that they lived out their faith, nurtured their family and opened their home to friends and relatives. As we hear the stories, we siblings are reminded of the privilege of being a part of life in that old house. The people who lived there made the difference. That’s true for all of us as we live in our houses, work in and engage in our places of employment, our churches, our social and community relationships. The difference we make impacts others. The difference we make may result in good and happy memories for others, or unpleasant ones. Perhaps one of my strongest memories is when Dad decided to get confirmed as an adult. It takes courage to publicly profess your faith. As followers of Jesus we are called to live in ways that move others to do likewise and to give thanks for the way we have reflected the love, grace and goodness of God. My prayer is that you and I will leave that kind of legacy. I believe I hear God saying “well done, good and faithful servant.” Kathy Mattea sings a song called “Whose Gonna Know But Me?’ On the top of my desk mid the clutter and dustSits an old eight by ten black and whiteIt's one of my favorite pictures of us I'll carry with me all my lifeI must have been about five or sixMom's hair was still brown and dad's was still thickBut to look at it now sometimes I get scaredTo think that today they are no longer hereCause who's gonna know but me who'll help me recall those small memoriesWhen we’re all that's left of this family who's gonna know but meDown in the cellar under the steps sits an old box of junk that I've savedNewspaper clippings letters and cards even some code-a-phone tapesSlices of life I can hold in my hand and show to my kids so they might understandIn those years to come when they ask me some nightWhat grandma and grandpa used to be likeCause who's gonna know but me...If life were a video I could rewindI'd go back and slow down each moment in timeThen I'd disconnect the fast forward buttonSo I'd have forever to tell 'em I love 'emThe older I get I can't get enough of 'emCause who's gonna know but me... Rest in peace Dad. We love you and we miss you. We know you’re dancing with Mom and hugging Shirley. Well done good and faithful servant….

Retirement

My family teases me that I have come out of retirement three times....I have done this to do interim nursing home administration work. From March-May of 2013 I helped the Good Samaritan Society at Crosby ND to transition to being community owned...St Lukes Community Living Center. It was a huge amount of work getting policies and procedures and equipment and benefits in line for the new entity. At this writing, I have now been retired for over 7 months. It has been tougher than I thought and it is also wonderful. We both had busy, stressful and successful careers. Here are some things we have learned: 1/ We have had to adjust our finances. No one really knows how they will manage financially until they try it. We were drawing from our pensions to make ends meet and with the help of our investment counselor, decided I should start getting Social Security. If we hadnt decided to do this, we would have exhausted our pensions. So my advice is to have a financial counselor and talk thru your unique issues. 2/ There are 2 unique seasons in our little fishing village. Summer...which is crazy...full of activity and company and we love it! Winter....very quiet and remote. Arden likes to visit ice fishing houses and hang out with his buddies at the bar....me, not so much. I like to quilt, read, spend time with kids, grandkids (who are 5 hours away) and my sisters...if the weather is bad, it is hard to travel or get supplies for my hobbies. There has been some adjustments. I have found another woman who lives here full time to have coffee with. I have talked to Arden about my frustration and he has listened and makes sure I get to travel to kids and sisters. Thank goodness to Amazon.com where I can download books and order supplies as needed. 3/ It's ok for us to have separate interests and schedules. This helps us to appreciate each other more and to treasure the things we like to do together. We will soon spend 3 weeks together in Arizona...after football season and as ice fishing draws to a close. 4/ We work together on chores in the house. We both love keeping our new home together. 5/ We don't need to eat three meals a day. Breakfast and coffee together and one other big meal with snacks in between. Gone are the days of 3 big meals when we were working full time. Another great benefit of retirement is having time for exercise and fitness. We have an elliptical and I can safely say that Arden is in the best shape of his life and I am focusing on a healthier 2014. So, if you are thinking of retirement, you can try semi-retirement for awhile or just jump right in. Have fun working through the issues with the ultimate goal of enjoying the retirement you worked so hard for!